Mirrors

I met a young man recently, who inspired this post, as he held such a skewed vision of his reality and reinforced what was wrong with society all in one feel swoop. It all began while we were watching DSTV music channels, surfing from Channel O to HipTV and dropping by Ebony Life TV and Soundcity from time to time. Amidst the hiphop cronies flossing platinum chains littered with diamonds, surrounded by flash cars and extravagant yachts and mansions, were a new era of African video vixens. Unlike their American counterparts, these females were not particularly bestowed with collagen-injected behinds or silicone inflated chests, but they gyrated all the same, in time to the catchy afro-beats and the repetitive lyrics of the musician. It was these said females that were the centre of the young man's attention.

Shirt : H&M | Tank : Primark | Necklace : Vintage | Skirt : ZARA

Its understandable that with the low budget most African artists work with, and the stigma attached to being a video vixen in Africa in the first place, that the creme de la creme of society would not be caught dead on our screens. Yet, the young man felt it was his duty to pinpoint the skeletons from the obese, the product-enhanced lighties from the sun-snogged darkies (no racism intended, just using his words). And I was forced to interject with one wholesome question, “what about you?”

 Soundtrack of the Minute : Mirrors - Justin Timberlake (The 20/20 Experience)

You see, he is what is wrong with society today. At the end of the day, the successful have no time to bleat about what's wrong because they are out there rectifying it. The beautiful have no time to rave about their flaws because they are there werqin' with it! This prompted me to review my stance. I spend enough time ranting about the errors I encounter all around me but perhaps its time I empowered females by speaking and acting, rather than taking a back seat. One of my most loved posts of late was that which discussed whether youtubers were the new housewives, and I called on the professionals & 9-5ers to step up to the plate and showcase a whole new breed of females making an impact on the world w/o dependence on their looks or blabbing on about their latest purchases. In the gap that still remains, I intend to step in, quit moaning and ACT!

Onyxsta says…BLEURGH!! I compel you to hold a mirror up and really question what you see before pulling it down and critiquing the world around you. 

WASH

I have said it time & time again to friends, but perhaps its time I shared it with my readers. Having been in the Motherland for a substantial amount of time now, I think I have enough grounds to make this respectful submission: EVERY WOMAN SHOULD TAKE A TRIP TO A COUNTRY IN AFRICA. No joke. We women (and men also) have ugly days. You know those days when your hair refuses to cooperate, or that blending brush won't smudge away those contour lines? No such thing here. Even on days when I look like Dracula and forget to prep my outfit the night before, it still wont be classified as an ugly day to one brave soul who'll cat-call enroute to the office.

Top : H&M | Joni Jeans : Topshop | Mini Trapeze Bag : Warehouse

Now, I am not to be confused. I do NOT condone vulgar cry-outs or mysterious stalkers posing as admirers (which unfortunately, is a part of the package). However, I do think everyone deserves to feel admired/adored once in a while. Big, small, skinny, curvy, tall, short, light, dark...they'll like 'em all. We live in an increasingly critical society, where your flaws are magnified due to their failure to conform to the norm. In the words of misogynists such as Lil Wayne, "you like a b*tch with no ass, you aint got sh*t" (A Milli Lyrics). Yes, in present day society, pretty hurts. The lack of conformity is no longer praised. Every Essex lass wants blown up nungas & the Pudlians are out there tattooing their brows into that perfect arch.

In relation to the title of this post, This is a term I've only recently come to know the meaning of. Wash apparently means the overshowering of praise or commendation on a person or thing. Now, my friends know this about me, but when I thoroughly dislike something, I overexaggerate just how much I adore it. I think this fits the 'wash' bill perfectly. But in relation to media amplification, I believe the washing of that perfect hourglass KimK/Nicki Minaj figure has now become a caricature. Women are now walking around in fear that a car accident victim may be wrongly propelled into their behind, having mistaken it for an airbag.

Wedges : Primark | Watch : Guess | Rings : H&M

The washing of this KimK figure is oh so real! With dangerous ass injections and women taking back route surgeries to enhance this or lipo-suck that, what may have been a natural hourglass once, is fast becoming the uber-manufactured coke bottle instead. Women need to stop and think. In the 90's, it was all about the supersize boobs, then came the early Noughties and the Size-0 obsession...and now...the barbie-on-proteinshakensteroids look is in fashion. Thats just it, this figure is just a trend. The perfect example of mistaking your body for a wardrobe that can be altered to move with the times is Chloe Simms from TOWIE. This is a woman that prided herself in all things plastic; biggest boobs, fully-pumped lips, fake 'horse-look' (her words) teeth, undetectable butt-job? Yet, here she is endeavouring to reverse the changes because the 'natural' looking woman is now on-trend *sigh*

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Don't be washed away by the waves of talked-about trends & fickle fads. Stay true to who you are & learn to work with what you've got. Xisses

Gloves Off

And so the journey begins. I have stripped off the thermal gloves and can now proclaim that I am well & truly settled into life here in Nigeria. I relocated here for two internships in NGOs focusing on advocating legislative change for females by promulgating gender equality bills. Like Chimamanda, I was taken aback the first instance someone questioned my position as a feminist, but I have since taken a comfortable seat in this machine of change & I'm so excited to share my journey with you guys.

Necklace : Wallis | Belt : Thrifted/Vintage | Watch : Guess 

This post will focus on the absurdity of the lack of adequate provisions by the state for pregnant women. All medical bills are privately paid, although there is a clear difference between the state hospitals and the private ones. Pregnant women are handed a list of products and supplies (aside from the bill for the medical procedure itself) that they are to attain before admission. Apparently, some medical practitioners go as far as to list particular brand names the women are to purchase, without which, they will be denied admission on their due date. One of the listed items in question are medical/surgical gloves. You heard me right. Women are expected (and generally, patients alike) to buy particular gloves that the gynaecologists, surgeons, midwives, nurses etc, will use when aiding in the delivery of the baby. How preposterous to expect such from a patient, without which, access to basic health and welfare rights are denied.

Soundtrack of the Minute - It Wont Stop : Sevyn Streeter ft Chris Brown

Dress : House of Fraser

I was stunned to discover the reality for some women in Nigeria. With 65% of the population living in absolute poverty, 75% of which are women, how can such requirements be expected before performing the safe delivery of a new born? This is a clear infringement on the fundamental (and universally recognised) right to life. Not only is this putting the life of the mother in danger, but also possibly risking that of the unborn child. Setting such unattainable requirements for women inadvertently creates a barrier to basic human rights; thus infringing it. As one of the wealthiest African countries, I am revelling in my latest discoveries of the extent to which gluttony and greed by aged politicians is prioritised at the cost of  basic human rights of women.
Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Let's all challenge the Doctors, Politicians etc to a duel, gloves off.

Ratchet

During my blogger-break, feminism took a plunge in place of ratchetness. Now, ratchetness has always been very much alive, but it was reserved for what you may PC'ly refer to as the lower class in society (i.e. the chavs and yardies). However, the likes of ghetto fabulous reality TV (mostly based in Atlanta) has promulgated ratchetness to a whole new height. The days of women idealising the role as queen has long passed. Instead, we have the likes of Miley Cyrus' adulterated 'twerking', Rihanna's pole dancer dreams and Beyonce's stripper fantasies as rolemodels to young girls. *sigh*

RUN DMC Tanktop : H&M | MOM Jeans : Vintage Gerry Weber | Boots : New Look

Has the stigma attached to 'b*tch' been erased? No. Yet, women now prance around proudly branding themselves with that title. Is it no longer degrading? Is it only an insult to call another woman that word but yet reserve the right to use it on yourself positively if you place 'bad' before it? How selective. It's like I woke up and the likes of Hilary Clinton, Chimamanda Adichie or Michelle Obama became 'so last century'. Now young women would rather have half-naked public figures on front covers juxtaposed to a man in a full 3-piece suit. Oh, the irony!

Soundtrack of the Minute - Flawless : Beyonce

Leather Jacket : H&M | Sunglasses : RayBans

I understand the appeal of ratchetness; less responsibility, lower standards and a laisse-faire attitude. What could possibly go wrong? Well, let me just propose this one key issue with the rise of the ratchet queens: young girls are no longer aspiring to use their brains, but relying on their beauty and body to succeed. I was stunned in the Mrs Carter World Tour (V Festival Edition) when a snippet of Beyonce's skits between costume changes urged women to use their sexuality to get them further. Now, I've been one to say that in the past, but I don't think sexuality is gender-specific, and have made that point outrightly clear in my posts. Why are women being conditioned more than ever by the media to only use their lowest, most carnal tool (sexuality) to achieve their goals? The juxtaposition of 'Bow Down B*tches' and 'Flawless' on the new BEYONCE record is a perfect example of how conflicting the message is to young girls nowadays. The effects are already somewhat evident, but I fear more for the generations to come.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Why crawl your way up ungraciously when women fought long and hard to stylishly climb up that ladder in heels?

Love Like Denim

Denim is timeless. Quite like the colour black, it can never truly go out of fashion. Style it whichever way you please, but denim is denim. Thin like the super soft Topshop Joni pairs or thick like the Levis vintage finds; denim is denim. I was listening to the Frank Ocean track and it struck me, we're all on the hunt for a love like denim. Whether it be with our careers, friendships or love lives, we're all on the hunt for the timeless and tangible. 

Denim Shirt : Gray's Inn Market (originally Topshop) | Shorts : Thrifted MOM Jeans (BIY)

It is on this hunt for the perfect timeless piece that we find ourselves in a sea of endless blues. The pair that you love but with time wears and tears becoming unwearable, is like a friendship/relationship/job that once blossomed but once the rose coloured shades have been dipped, you find that you can no longer fathom it. Applying the metaphor of denim to real life situations can be somewhat helpful in breaking you free of the tiresome ruts you may be in. Take relationships for example; like the worn out pair of jeans, we really should discard that old friend or partner that does nothing for our self-esteem or life-progression. Choosing to hold on them in the hope that they'll change/improve is unrealistic and naive to say the least. Let go and let them churn their way through the recycler of life, they'll have served their purpose in your life whether you see it now or later. 

Rings : Church Fayre (thumb ring) & Topshop 

By dying an old pair of jeans or cutting it up into shorts, you can revive it to a certain extent. This is quite like undergoing therapy in relationships or undertaking extensive training to add on your CV to increase your level of responsibility at work. Quite like a pair of jeans, this can only do so much. You have to be comfortable at the level this revival can take you because it will NEVER be restored to its original condition, but you need to be ok with that. Refusing to truly express any dissatisfaction at its (job/relationship/friendship) restored state as early as possible will amount to status frustration. Compression of all those unhappy emotions will inevitably lead to an eruption; whether it be an untimely letter of resignation, an argument with a friend or dumping your partner.

Heeled Chelsea Boots : Moda in Pele 

Soundtrack of the Minute : Denim - Frank Ocean (The Lonny Breaux Collection)

Could this all have been avoided by buying more than one pair of denim so you don't wear out that one piece until its at the end of its tether? Well, no, because life doesn't quite work like that. You can't work two f/t jobs on the go so you don't lose the passion for one. You can't date two guys/girls and fully commit to the relationship cos well...that's straight shady...etc etc.  So the metaphor of denim falls short, but the ideals remain the same. Quite like denims may come in all shades, textures and fittings, so also are we all on the hunt for that timeless piece except we're missing the point that the timeless piece is life itself. So quite like the pair of jeans that rinsed out with one wash and you can't seem to pair it with much else in your wardrobe, don't resent that boyfriend that broke your heart. Instead treasure him for giving you an awareness that it is fragile and can be broken if in improper care. Don't loathe the job that turned out to be shambles, instead, look upon it with fondness in the knowledge that without it you wouldn't have been forced to revise your CV for the better role that's on its way.

"Happiness shouldn't be a destination in your life. It should be part of the journey" Dorothy Koomson - The Woman He Loved Before

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Good wear will eventually tear so live your life to the fullest, embracing its rips & ripples that come as a part of the package. Xisses

Thirst in the Heat

The sun's ablaze and people are starting to wear next to nothing enroute their various destinations so its safe to say...SUMMER IS HERE! Summer is a dangerous season for both breeds (calm down...we ARE mammals...its not really an insult if you view it from a scientific standpoint). Men are in hunting season, so they've hibernated for months on end in the gym and now is the time for their slaved hours to pay off. This will explain why 1/2 walk around topless beating their chests to hiphop summer jams, and the other 1/2 choose to purchase white tees too small that'll grope their chests until a fitting woman can take its place.

Top : H&M | Shorts : Vintage (BIY) | Wedges : Miss Selfridge

Then there are the women ofcourse...we are in HEAT! So we exfoliate until our skin begs for mercy and bronze away until our nostrils act like sundials. But somewhere along the way, there's some miscommunication in signals and all hell breaks loose when someone calls another a "hoe" for not biding to their charm or "thirsty" for being too forward, marking territory that hasn't yet been conquered. I speak in animalistic terms because frankly, if you people-watch in heat you'll see things as though it were a nature program on the discovery channel. It truly IS that basic lol.

New BIY denim cut-offs....Bleached bottoms (hope you guys like?)

THIRSTY
Fellas, let me just make something clear from the get-go. If a girl isn't feeling you, no matter what you do, or how you go about things, she's just not that into you. So spin game all you like. Charm your socks off your freshly pedicured feet...if she's not on it, she will par your life! Thats where the ghetto word 'thirsty' saves the day. If you call/text her, she will claim you're thirsty. If you buy her nice things trying to charm her, she will mock you to her friends calling you 'thirsty'. Honestly? Don't take it personal and let it wreck your hunting season. Get back in the wild...there's FAR too many beasts in heat for you to be sweating over one that didn't suck the nectar from your trap.

Watch : Michael Kors | Bracelet : Market (Nigeria) | Ring : Miss Selfridge

THIRST TRAP
Beware of the 'Thirst Trap' people! That goes for both genders. There are species out there oiled up and ready to trap. That means when that Draya looking broad flaunts her 10 status in a backshot pic in your bedroom mirror? THIRST TRAP! That goes for the Lance Gross swagged dude who's flaunting how many bottles he bought out in his Instagram shot? THIRST TRAP! If you're willing to be trapped? Then go on right ahead and attach your claws to that web. If not, there are signs! I wont out anyone's game...I'm not Steve Harvey. But you and I both know that if your instincts are twitching, then its probably time to start switching.

Soundtrack of the Minute - Bad : Wale ft Tiara Thomas

Thirst is such an ugly word in all honesty. Its a coward's way out. Instead of just bravely conveying the fact that you have zero interest in said person, you lead them on only to slam them down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent, i'm just of an older generation that can sit on a high horse mocking the young buck's new choice of words. The thirst is real and all around. Market your thirst well and you may just walk out of heat with an icelolly firmly intact (apologies for the phallic imagery but you catch my drift...thirst quenched. Oh dear!). Sell your thirst pouch to the wrong nut and you might just find yourself liquidated at the end of the season.

Onyxsta says...SUPER THIRST! Xisses

I Dreamed in Technicolour

Life has always been so black & white for me. I knew what I wanted to be from 6 years old and have pretty much worked all my life to get it. Yes, I have taken a minute or two out to bask in the luxuries of life but I've never truly appreciated life and all its perks. In a bid to be more content this year, I realised that in order for you to embrace who you truly are, you have to give yourself room to discover who that is in the first place.

Sheer Crop Top : New Look | Sheer Skirt : Primark | Heels : Next

Hence I started the initiative to say 'yes' more. I spent most of last year saying 'no' to opportunities due to a lack of funding (saving for Bar School) or just not wanting to be the person I once was (staying away from bars & clubs) much to the irritation of my friends. But I soon discovered that it, in turn, made me miserable. It was like cutting myself off from life support, and in a sense, thats what your social network is. Thats not to say in a bid to live a more righteous life you should compromise your morals, but rather create viable alternatives if you think your network truly worthy of revival.

Gold Studs : Vintage | Gold Watch : Guess

I dreamed in technicolour. I was caging my life within this age-old box of black and white. Yes, pursue your dreams, but don't do so blindly. Don't miss out on the greatness that the world has to offer because you're dead set on achieving one thing. People lust after the dynamic (don't mistake this for loud) characters in the room; the ones that 'shine bright like a diamond' and everyone is left in awe. Don't wither with the shadows in the crowd because you're too scared to take the bull by the horns. Carpe diem bleurgher boos! I am intent on saying 'yes' (within reasonable limit) to more things and opening my eyes to the endless possibilities that life has in store.

Soundtrack of the Minute : Beautiful - Mariah Carey ft. Miguel

Broadening your horizons will enrich your spirit. If you allow yourself to be boxed in, then you lose the rough edges that make you who you truly are. As discussed in my previous post, acknowledging your strengths and discovering what actually interests you will make you a more versatile candidate for greater things in life. I'm blessed to be surrounded by an ambitious network of friends, one of which enlightened me to some very accomplished individuals. The first thing I noted was that these professionals had dipped their toes into groundbreaking initiatives that are changing the scope of the professions as well as the world we currently live in. No one human is just one thing. Some are women; mothers to some and daughters to others, as well as a list of other things. Why then should we choose to chase after one thing only and cockblock the pursuit of others in the process?

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Life isn't well lived in black & white. Learn to embrace the opportunities and you'll see your light shine bright. Xisses

Dirty Laundry

"When you make pain look this good it never wears out" Kelly Rowland

The lyrics to Dirty Laundry evoked all sorts of emotions in me; rage, empathy, passion, drive. Never would you look at this independent woman and put her in the battered survivor category. Then again, whats a victim supposed to look like exactly?

 Blazer : ASOS | Top : Thrifted | Leather Leggings : Bershka 

I was speaking to a friend recently when this thought shot me, "you just never know". Every woman (or person even) has their demons that they're dealing with and coming on the scene summing them up by the shoes they're rocking or the bag they're toting by no means is a conclusive enough analysis of who they truly are. I know firsthand of a young girl who was in an abusive relationship but you couldn't guess from a mile off at the endless parties she PR'd for or the gorgeous makeup she used to shade away the bruises he'd caused. I know not why she remained with him that long, but that's just evidence of how you can't judge a book by its cover.

 Another BIY scarf tutorial for you guys. This one's more of a headband style

I'm commended time & time again about my demeanour and the confidence I carry myself with but don't be fooled. To think I just woke up and became the woman I am today would be the biggest joke. I crawled my way here and i'm sure Kelly Rowland probably feels the same. We are women and we have overcome the pains of bad relationships, periods, rejections, frenemies and all else in-between. That makes us warriors in our own right, but you must be careful not to sum up another's battle or diminish the weapon with which they choose to fight.

Scarf : Lexie's (BFF's-stolen like 10years ago LOL) | Necklace : eBay | Wedges : Primark

Soundtrack of the Minute - Dirty Laundry : Kelly Rowland

Kelly looks like she got it together....down pat! I questioned it when she went under the knife (I am very much anti-'under the knife' but to each their own) but the lyrics to this song are on a whole other level. Yes, she has A-List BFFs and she seems super comfortable with her sexuality (a bit TOO comfortable these days) but here we are seeing a glimpse into her struggle as a woman. I see this as an anthem far more powerful than the barrenness of any of Queen Bey's 'Girls' or 'Single Ladies'. This is a time that welcomes conversation and begs the questions about the wrapper that cases the real package within every woman. 

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! No one leaves their dirty linen out to dry, so be sensitive and show compassion to those you can't see struggling to just get by. Xisses

Access Denied

It humours me when I receive emails alerting me of networking events, to mingle among the greats and get my foot through the door. This is in a society that goes the extra mile to depict the perfect image of equality among the masses; hoisting the flag of unity in diversity *tuts* Lets get real.

Dress : Miss Selfridge

Emigrating from Nigeria, a society that prided itself in self-made men; the 'Made in America' types, later became a society where those made men refused to relinquish their title & thus created a culture of acquired rather than achieved success. You'd think moving to the UK, which paints itself as a flat rate foundation for all to achieve success (or at least take a stab at earning it) would've propelled me to greater heights? *chuckles* However, that may have been the case in the Labour reign, but thats far from the case at present.

Suede Wedges : Select

I wrote an article for my University's law magazine in my final year, but that didn't even scrape  half of my sentiments at the misshaped right of access to the climb to the top for working class/ BME groups. Why paint over the fact that this is clearly a society that runs on the notion of 'its not what you know, but who you know'? After bagging a mini &  marshalling scheme from my connections, my usual plight to secure opportunities seemed like one big joke! Like, really? All the while, I should have been milking my gift of the gab. Who knew?

Soundtrack of the Minute : Started from the Bottom - Drake 

British government places a lot of emphasis on the transparency of the recruitment process, yet there are clear procedural miscarriages. All I ask is that the system becomes as equal as advertised. That means starting from the bottom (do I now need to dole out royalty cheques to Drake?). In line with Blair's infamous 3 words; more attention needs to be given to education. Not only is less light shed on the weight of academic achievements at lower income schools, but now, fundamental cognitive teaching resources have been shaved off the annual budgets. Already private scholars are on a higher stead, and thats before taking into account cultural capital or heirarchial access to the professions. Why rob the already less fortunate of the basic foundation they need to break free from their culture of deprivation? There just isn't enough being done to enlighten this said group of their realistic prospect of ever accessing the top. The average Joe stands no chance.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Why paint the picture of a class equilibrium when in reality such access is denied? Xisses

Evergreen

"No condition is permanent" is a life lesson no one should grow without learning. As you are all aware, this year I set myself the sole task of being content. So far, so good. When you make the active effort to steer away from constantly comparing yourself to others, or pitching your achievements on a bar set by your peers, you enlighten your life to endless possibilities. I can't see myself in the place I was last year anymore, because I've completely changed my outlook on life.

Jumper : H&M | Skirt : Topshop | Boots : Bershka (Milan)

Perhaps its the shadow you cast on your side that makes it seem dull, but life on the other side always seems greener. Truth is, 9/10 times its not actually greener, and that's something we all learn with experience. Funny thing is, no matter how many times the person you idolise shuts your lust down, their hammer-like words never seem to hit the nail on the head of reason until your 'aha' moment becomes a reality. 

Tights (layered) : Primark | Scarf : Thrift store (Croydon) | Watch : Guess (Bicester Village)

Contentment ensures that no matter what position you're in, you continue to remain optimistic about better things to come, while remaining happy in the position you're in. It grants a profound understanding that you're serving a particular purpose in that spot, and you'll move from that spot when a greater need of you calls. That level of contentment takes faith, and the belief in divine hope steering your life in the right direction at its own pace. That's not to say there wont be set-backs, moments of stagnation or woes along the way. If we took off our rose-coloured glasses we'd see that those we idolised go through droughts too. Moments where their seemingly  evergreen patches wilt away to hay. Yet they must have overcome their set-backs in order for us to continue to see them shine; so also will you go through trials before you come out triumphant.

Soundtrack of the Minute - Love Without Tragedy : Rihanna

"There is no testimony without a test"

My sole belief now is that I am running my own race, in my own lane, at my own pace. I understand I have peers running in the same competition as me, but they are running to their own finishing lines. Quit comparing yourself to others' seemingly evergreen lives and live yours! Time misspent pitting yourself against him with the this or her with the that, could be time well spent working your way up even further than their this & that.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Life on the other side seems evergreen, but all it takes is a bout of reality for it to lose its gleam. Xisses

Single Black Female Addicted to Retail

As the most dreaded day for a single girl looms, I draw upon the infamous lyrics of the brother of my lover Jigga; Yeezy. I'm not here to shed light on the hazardous warning signs those juxtaposed words flag up in the eyes of the opposite sex. I can save that for another V-Day. I guess I just wanna take a minute to rant a lil about dating and shopping *sniggers*.

 Coat : Gift from SouthKorea (LolliHearts) | T-Shirt : Primark | Shorts : Primark

Today, I'm going to shake up the stereotype and throw you off kilter because I'm here to announce that I'm not bitter, I refuse to crawl into a hole, and neither will I pipe down. There's a misconception that Valentine's day is either the day to parade your love with overtly sentimental gifts, or unveil your pining over the one you've lusted after for a minute. Erm...and then there's the me's of the world. LOL...before you roll your eyes, just hold them in place for a minute and let me finish. The 'me's of the world I refer to are simple single girls with no one on the radar...by choice.

Socks : H&M | Wedges : Select | Scarf : Thrifted (Croydon)

I was recently asked (and I can assure you, this happens at least twice a week...allow me to roll my eyes at the monotony of this sentiment) "why are you single?", which is always shortly followed by "what do you look for in a guy?" *yawn*. But I'm not here to reel off my want-list. In fact, I'm here to do the complete opposite. A wise girl pointed out my meticulousness when it comes to the things I want. You can all attest to the fact that I put in a whole lot (a bit TOO much in some's eyes) of research into my next hairstyle (BLEURGHair) before I venture to the salon/ barbers, and it wont stop there. I'll come home and tweak/ mend before I take that 1st instagram pic or whatever to prove I'm fully satusfied. The same is evident in my prowl for clothes, and the simile of dating with retail was outlined in 'The One'.

Soundtrack of the Minute : All Falls Down - Kanye West 

Hence my point in this post, and I hope to keep this short and sweet. No girl wants to actively go on the hunt (with the exception of thirsty broads), but if you know what you want then don't quit until you get it. That applies to all things, and can be interpreted in any which way you choose. All I know is I want to be a living testament to those words.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Banish the 'bitter single' stereotype and don't settle for anything less than your ideal type. Xisses

Adult Playground

This is something that has been playing on my mind for a while, and was stirred more upon reading this insightful post by one of my fave topical female life bloggers, Christiana. The issue I wish to shed light on is the dilemma of adult socialising, but in the context of dating and the single market.

Jumper : TK Maxx | Jeans : Primark | Boots : Hunter (Office)

As teens, when a boy liked a girl or vice versa, there was the playground, which would set the pace for any relationship to take off. You could take the time to prance around in the new 'creps' you got for Christmas, in the bid to win 'her' over. Or flash that 'Beckham bend' you'd spent hours in the park mastering with your mates, all with the intention to woo the princess of your dreams with your amateur footie skills. The same is true vice versa. At the peak of puberty, all girls can think about for approximately 80% of their day is BOYS! It seeps through your grey matter so that everything you think and do is calculated to have a particular effect on the opposite sex. This means the extra-curricular activities you chose, or the clothes you donned, were all aimed one thing; that boy on the playground. Ahhh! See! There's that common denominator; the playground. All the activity is honed in to one scene. There may be sub-plots in class or after school, but the main excitement and drama occurs centre stage in the playground.

Ring : Courtesy of Burju | Watch : Michael Kors

its not so easy in your 20's. Not only has your social circle diminished in size from years of sifting and sieving out the bad weeds, but you then have to deal with the fact that all your girlfriends are quite happily settled, some with rings firmly in place. This is not a rant on the woes of being a singleton. Quite the contrary. What I hope to shed light on is the chasm in modern society.

Soundtrack of the Minute - Identity : James Fortune 

Present day'ers have cast the notion of courting aside because there's no adequate setting to cultivate such a notion. Most social gatherings are purpose-built; birthday or wedding or engagement party. Not to mention in your early 20's, most are still trying to hang on tight to their youth, hosting most events in nightclubs or dimly lit bars. The avenue to pursue any sort of courtship, or graft out a means for fresh conversation run the risk of being classed as a tacky pursuit. No one wants their story to start as "I met your father at the local pub" *cringe*. Safe to say, the only possible prospective 'playground' in this day and age is a virtual one. Social networking platforms offer a plethora of options to market yourself and pursue whomever interests you, all from the convenience of your sofa. Call me old-fashioned, but as convenient as that all sounds, I'm rather nostalgic for an age I never myself experienced. An age where there were 'coming out' nights for women of age, or dinings for all young adults of a certain age. An age where walking up in a well-lit room and speaking cordially to a perfect stranger wasn't frowned upon as 'begging it' or 'fams', but simply a means of getting better acquainted. Where are the playgrounds for adults? Bars? House parties? Or is the rest of society, bar me, content with the idea of a purely virtual existence?

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Whatever your age...there should still be an avenue to have PLAYTIME! Xisses

Resolved to One Solution

Happy New Year my beloved Bleurgher Boos! 

Being my first post of 2013, I think it only right to commence with what's expected of me; a ' resolutions themed post (with a twist of course). You see, this year I resolved to just ONE solution; contentment.

"I am content with what I have, Little be it, or much. And, Lord! Contentment still I crave, Because Thou savest such." Louisa May Alcott (Little Women) 

(inscribed on the wall of my primary school in Nigeria & has stuck ever since)

Coat : River Island | Shirt : Primark | Trousers : ZARA 

The past years consisted of lists themed around Mind | Body | Spirit. This year, I wanted a culmination of all three + more, hence my ONE resolution. I found that much of last year was spent in an unsatisfactory tizz, stressing over the irrelevant 'cos I'd procrastinated, not to mention the jealousy & envious bouts. No, this year I am determined not to wind up in the same disappointing pool of sweat. I am adamant not to work myself up because I'm not meeting a false standard I'd set myself in contrast to others. No! 2013, I will be content.

Turban : BIY (Tutorial Coming Soon by popular demand) | Watch : Guess (Bicester Village)

Rings : H&M | Brogues : New Look

Contentment doesn't equate to never wanting to change/ grow/ develop. On the contrary, it means an acceptance of your current position & a feeling of self- satisfaction that cannot be disturbed. There are goals I've set myself this year as a means of gauging my personal development, but I refuse to draft them as resolutions. The key difference being that there's no guilt attached if I fail. Drafting grand New Years Resolutions leads to dissapointment, remorse, and guilt. Resolving to just ONE thing and choosing to alter aspects of my life one step at a time is the best solution. Making this choice to be content in all aspects of my life means that I won't lose perspective of where I am, or where I'm heading.

Soundtrack of the Minute - Stay : Rihanna ft Mikki Ekko

So instead of subjecting yourself to that crash diet (proof is in the pudding, pun intended) which will inevitably end in the former of its title; a CRASH! Be content that the weight you're in is the direct result of your current eating habits. Abstain from the cliche of a lifestyle overhaul every new year; drastic change is unrealistic and is most likely to end up in a bounce-back to your former self. Slow & steady. The same is true in every aspect of life. My mindset in 2013 will not be as naive as it was at the beginning of 2012. I understand now that life is NOT a bed of roses. Its full of highs & lows, ups & downs, and leading a satisfactory, happy and content life means trudging through the lows and picking yourself up so you can enjoy sailing through the highs. No point digging yourself a grave when you're down, thats making Satan's/ your 'haters' jobs 10x easier.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Resolved to just one solution that encompasses every 2013 resolution. Xisses.

Mistaken about Taken

I was once asked on Twitter "why do girls in relationships go to clubs?". I'm sorry, but I failed to see a clause in the admission policy that all girls within 'MUST be single'. What idiocy?

Dress : Topshop | Heels : Debenhams

It makes no sense that a guy can go on a lads' weekend to be it Prague/ Amsterdam, get wasted and plead the fifth (and lets all pray its the truth), yet a girl is supposed to (in the 21st Century, might I remind you) stay at home knitting him a warm jumper awaiting his return. Come off it son!

It baffles me that those who utter such ignorant questions see no err in the wording or the logic of that statement. Does clubbing equate to promiscuity? The lad in question further went on to query the apparel donned by said ladies in question, proceeding to enquire about their sensual demeanour as they get 'turnt up', and finishing by questioning their disregard for male attention upon interest. BINGO! He'd finally hit the jackpot. So, the foundation of his qualms rested on the fact that these said girls were 'taken', and he didn't have a shot in the world. Mate! Look elsewhere init? I have likened the single market to a commercial marketplace in the past, and in light of this, its easy to see the club as the Abercrombie & Fitch of retail stores. Its dimly lit & those inside are decked out in barely anything; all VERY pleasing to the eye. So, you move towards a particular merchandise and it isn't available in your size? You move the fug on son! You don't wail about the unfairness. You don't whine about wasting your time prowling the shopping mall. You literally move the fug on/ place an order to reserve your size when next available.

Soundtrack of the Minute - Pour it Up : Rihanna

Non-single girls in clubs are much the same. Yes, they are taken, but are they not permitted the same amount of fun as the rest of the inhabitants on God's green earth? CHILL! Don't be mad 'cos she shut you down for something better at home. Yes, she's dressed pretty seductively, but who said it was for your eyes only? Yes, she's getting turn't up pretty erotically, but who said it was to entice you to join? Geez! Guys need to fall back. Just like you're with a gang of lads, all wing-manning for one another, so also is she allowed the liberty to enjoy her GNO (Girls Night Out) in peace. End of.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! If you're under the premise that a girl can't be free in a club 'cos she's taken. I hope upon this read you'll find you're quite mistaken. Xisses.

The Heart Has A Backbone

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Blazer : Littlewoods Direct Warehouse (Flint) | Shirt : Primark | High-Waisted Trousers : Marks &Spencers

After watching show after show, reading book after book, and viewing movie after movie, I was enraged by the flimsy status 'love' was starting to hold in the media. The straw that broke the camel's back was catching up on the entire last season of 90210...oh! I went to bed with my blood boiling and my mind working in overtime. Why proclaim love for one person only to be blown away by another? Why profess undying affection for one person, only to be torn by the power of lust for another? No, love is not blown away by spineless words, or staggered by questioning.

Studs : Primark | Necklace : eBay | Rings : H&M | Arm Candy : collected from Gran Canaria, Scotland &Nigeria | Heels : Miss Selfridge (birthday gift)

The question that came up time and time again was whether one could love more than one person at a time? Without mention about philia or agape kinda loving, they are speaking of 'love' as though it were a hollywood career that could be steered in any which direction called. Love has backbone. I have been involved in several debates of late concerning the value of marriage in modern day society. Not in regards to same-sex unions, but in the sense of it being no more than a contractual/legal document binding two parties together. According to the sceptics, 'love' is a modern social construction, and marriage proves nothing of the partnership than making a formal commitment to remain together. My coworker cited age-old unions being an economical investment for families to rise in heirarchy, or gain more power, with the ideal of love being a new phenomenon. I beg to differ. I cite the bible, greek mythology, etc as evidence that 'love' is timeless.

Soundtrack of the Minute : Bad Religion (Channel Orange) - Frank Ocean

My coworker's viewpoint is that marriage is forcing one to remain in a union even when change has taken effect. In my opinion, change is inevitable; the most constant thing in life. Marriage serves as the next step of commitment for partners, not to be embarked on a whim in vegas. Yes, some shotgun unions last a lifetime, but the odds are slim. So also, is the idea that the 'love' you felt at the beginning of the relationship, will remain the same 50 years down the line. I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago, so how can I expect my partner to be? Change should be embraced along with love, in order for progress to occur. The rebellion against change, or the denial of growth in a union, is what tears most eyes away from the prize of fidelity, and into the arms of adultery.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! Love is being confused with lust, but in order to truly love, a firm foundation is a must. Xisses

The Scarlet Letter

I tweeted about my current dilemma that life is emulating fiction, and the two are oddly becoming one. I'm currently reading a diary-log short novel (mindless drivel to unwind on TfL  after gruelling a 9-5) aptly titled 'The Last Year of being Single' by Sarah Tucker & its strange that after each daily read, I encounter what I've just read. The matter under examination in this post has been brewing since my trip back from Nigeria, but now I feel it right to vent as I'm feeling inspired.

POLYGAMY ~ ~ CHEATING ~ ~ INFIDELITY ~ ~ ADULTERY

All cowardice in my eyes; cheap stunts. I was always aware of the error of this action from a young age. Brought up in a strong Christian home, 10 Commandment lessons were drummed in before I learned the alphabet (I joke! Don't call Child Support on Mother-dearest). Not forgetting having watched Demi Moore in 'The Scarlet Letter' before i'd even crossed the pond, so I was probably around 8 or 9 (yet again, don't sue the 'rents as I'm sure that wasn't rated PG...whoops!) by the time I'd fully grasped the concept that deviating from your marital union, was wrong. 

 Jacket : Boutique (Croydon) | Shirt : Gift from **NeeNee | Skinnies : ZARA

If you're cheating or finding the need to look elsewhere for sexual, physical or emotional gratification, then something's wrong somewhere.

"He can do whatever he likes outside, but as soon as he walks through THAT door *points at respective matrimonial home entrance*, he knows who's the boss"

I've heard this line uttered one too many times, whether it be from young girls, or old married wives. Its pathetic! Who are you fooling? Why are women condoning such trifling behaviour? In Nigeria, I was exposed to married men who were openly pursuing girls fresh out of highschool...it was DISGUSTING! Fair enough the Aristos (young gold-digging girls prowling for sugar-daddies to fund their extravagant lifestyles) were also to blame, but the elderly men should know better. I was traumatised when a married man at the after-wedding party fed, watered and proceeded to 'harvest' a sideline bird he'd picked up for the night. Looking through the dog's camera, I discovered he had a wife and two kids at home...I was distraught, and made no secret that I didn't approve of his shenanigans. But who was I but a British stoosh chic who wasn't gonna put out for the night? He moved on, and up to the hotel room with his conquest. VILE!

 Bag : ZARA | Watch : Michael Kors | Rings : Dorothy Perkins / Swarovski 

Pumps : H&M

I tweeted about a co-worker's friend who'd just discovered her husband was cheating, and was now seeking legal advice (or protection). Infidelity is something I cannot fathom, especially when lies are involved. But the contrast is equally devastating in my eyes. When women commit to an 'open relationship', knowing fully well that their boo is getting jiggy with some next broad in his down time. How is that okay? I am forced to question whether as a product of my environment, I've become too much influenced by the Western-Feminist ideals that strength doesn't essentially lie in numbers, to BLEURGH an unbiased view. Why is it not universally accepted to be intolerant to infidelity?

**Soundtrack of the Minute - Red : Daniel Merriweather**

I know some women will read this post and laugh at how naive I am...i can assure you, it wont be the first time. What I want to ask, is why it should be thought 'naive' to NOT expect a man to wander off in quest for different soil to sew his seed? It irks me that this 'standard' is now translating to media, and we all know thats how certain acts become socially accepted as the norm. Think back to when Christina Aguilera had the 'Beautiful' video with the two men kissing, and what grief MTV caused by banning it, and think to now where no soap opera or TV drama is complete without a gay/lesbian scene.
Basketball Wives commenced, showcasing the bitter ex-spouses of NBA-adulterers & commitment-phobes, and now we see a season where the baddest b*tch in the game seems comfortable marrying a man with a cheekily liberal notion of 'commitment'. Its been cited as 'unnatural' for a man to be expected to settle down with just one woman for life. Historians can pinpoint kings and illiterate retards can point to village chiefs and traditions, which highlight the pride of a man in acquiring more spouses. Is it merely a modern phenomenon to entrap a man in a monogamous relationship? Expensive childcare and 'social standards', are they all but excuses to cage a man in the unnatural act of being in a sole partnership for life? I think not...i think its as simple and Man meets Woman, Man marries Woman, they live happily ever after. No complications, but a simple equation.

Onyxsta says...BLEURGH!! 

"You took something perfect, and painted it red" Daniel Merriweather. Xisses